One of my ducks has (fingers crossed) started to sit on her clutch of eggs. While she ate breakfast this morning, I got a chance to count the eggs and it looks like there are 16. Of course, there were only 15 yesterday, so either she is still laying, or one of the other ducks has been using the same nesting box. I hope it’s the former, not the latter.

I also did my standard wander around and check all the other nests.

At last count there were:

1 egg in a nest in the stable.

6 eggs in the blackberries

5 eggs in the shed (our shed, not the ducks shed)

2 eggs in 2 nesting boxes

Plus the 16 the oldest duck is sitting on.

That is twenty seven duck eggs, waiting to be sat on.

I also suspect another duck is laying in the paddock next door, and I haven’t found that nest yet.

Every morning is a bit like a duck egg treasure hunt, as for a while, I had ducks laying everywhere and nowhere twice. Under my hedge, on the side of the road, under the pine tree (on the side of the road).

Everywhere.

I’ve also got a broody chook who is on 9 eggs, care of Mum and freecycle.

My biggest issue however, is that I am certain my light grey bantum hen is laying, but do you think I can find a nest? One of the chooks lays in a nesting box every day and yesterday I found one sole egg in the stable in the opposite corner to the ducks eggs, but nothing today.

Let’s just say, hunting for eggs isn’t much fun once you grow up and those eggs are no longer chocolate.

Okay, first? The 7pm Project? I understand that you’ve got to keep it simple, that your audience is made up of people putting kids to bed and others, who are just getting home from work and not wanting to think.

HOWEVER.

Coeliac disease? It’s not just an ‘intolerance to gluten’.

No. Coeliac disease is an auto-immune response to gluten, wherein the immune system attacks the gut and intestines.

As the doctor of the show, I suspect the man talking about epi-pens and then mentioning coeliacs in such a flippant tone knows all about that.

But, why on earth perpetuate a myth that coeliacs is just ‘an intolerance’ to the greater public?

Until you’ve had to rub the back of a crying 3yo, while she sits on the toilet sobbing in pain because she accidentally ate something she shouldn’t have, or you’ve suffered with the cramps yourself (disclaimer: I don’t have coeliacs, I mother a child who does), you don’t know just how severe coeliacs is.

Now Amy, she’s so so sensitive. She reacts to glucose syrup, which according to the Coeliac Society is gluten free. I say it’s not gluten free, my daughter is just more sensitive to gluten than your tests are.

And yes, any child who needs an epi-pen has a severe and life threatening allergy and coeliacs is not an allergy (see above re: auto-immune reponse) so we don’t require an epi-pen. And I have friends whose children DO have severe allergies and I feel for them.

Coeliacs won’t kill you instantly like a severe nut allergy would without treatment. However, it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t kill you eventually.

So please, don’t pass off coeliacs in such a flip tone because it makes it harder for me to find acceptance for my daughter in greater society.

***

Now, Masterchef?

God, I am so pissy about yesterday’s episode.

You’ve got 5 hours to put up 4000 canapes, move a little faster people! They were SO FUCKING SLOW. Let’s all just move like we’re in a dreamy state and be all slow and shit.

Oh my god, I’ve not yelled at the TV so much in a long time.

It’s a REAL kitchen, not a pretend one. Work a little fucking faster.

I can’t believe how slow they were. And dreamy.

I wanted to throw things.

Speed it up!

***

And there is my rant.

As I made french onion soup the other day, I was suddenly pleased that it was not on the menu when I was working in the kitchen. God knows that soup is a job for an apprentice, who can cry and sweat while it cooks and not for the actual chef.

French onion soup is a labour of love. Or maybe an exercise in torturing yourself, I’m not entirely sure.

Onions are not my favourite things. I love eating them and currently, I’ve got a whole patch of my garden planted with them, but preparing them drives me up the wall.

So why, you might ask, did I willingly choose to make this soup?

Well you see, I bought a 10kg bag of onions a few weeks ago and it was the day before supermarket day and onions were about all we had left in the house. So onion soup it was.

And trust me, it is so worth the effort.

I peeled the onions in a sink full of water so that I didn’t cry too badly, treading on children underfoot as I went. As I started slicing the onions though, I had to kick them out of the kitchen because the onion gases were everywhere and I really didn’t need two sobbing children flumping at my feet.

Slicing the onions was a nightmare, it doesn’t matter how fast you work, when you’ve got 18-20 medium onions in front of you, you’ll never be fast enough.

I cried. A lot.

Once they’d cooked down a bit it was better, then I was just stuck in front of the stove, stirring every 20 seconds or so until they caramelised to a nice deep brown.

I added the chicken stock, from cubes, because I’ve been lazy and not made any home made stuff, and hey presto, it was good to go.

Delicious.

Ingredients:

A good amount of onions – I think I used 18 or so.
2tb butter
4tb olive oil
6 cups of chicken stock

Method:

Melt the butter and olive oil together in a large pot. Add the sliced onions and cook over a moderate heat, stirring regularly until they caramelise. They will try and catch on the bottom of the pot, so make sure you don’t burn them. The caramelisation can take up to 45 minutes.

Once they’re caramelised, add the chicken stock and check the flavour, add salt if necessary.

Serve.

Traditionally, french onion soup is served with a piece of grilled baguette with melted cheese floated in the top. I didn’t do that because of the children’s coeliacs, but you probably could.

This morning, when it dawned cold and grey and I dragged myself out of bed to tend to the children, shivering all the while, I was glad that I’d bought a butternut pumpkin. I’d wavered over it, standing at the fruit and veg market, in front of the pallet full of them, marked $1.80 a pumpkin.

Will I make soup? Is it going to get cold enough for soup? I don’t much like pumpkin unless it’s soup…. um…. will the kids eat soup, Isaac is at that age where he is getting picky, I don’t even know if he likes pumpkin…..

Eventually, obviously, I bought the pumpkin and this morning, I was glad.I was also glad that we’ve got lots of wood, as I kicked my partner out of bed and made him light the fire for us because it was cold.

You see, I’ve been sick, desperately sick and the thought of some food still leaves me wanting to vomit. (Watermelon – good, chicken drumsticks – bad. Apple slices – good, pork chops – bad.)

Pumpkin soup was just the ticket when I woke up this morning, still feeling a little off and needing a quick easy dinner that wasn’t pasta (again) or rice noodles and beef broth (again).

And what a soup it is.

I tend to do very very little to my pumpkin soup, instead preferring to let the pumpkin speak for itself. That sentence my dears, is a very wanky way of saying that the budget it is tight and I don’t have any bacon or fancy bits I could add to it right now.

Normally, I saute off an onion, a couple of garlic cloves and 2 rashers of bacon, before adding my peeled, chopped pumpkin and covering with chicken stock.

Today though, I used only pumpkin, chicken stock and onion and you know what? It’s fine. Delicious in fact.

No photos from the preparation though as somehow, I was more interested in keeping my own fingers intact while I peeled pumpkin and throwing slices of raw pumpkin to the whining hordes to take photos.

Sorry.

And Isaac? Well, he loved it, so it was a needless worry on my part.

Ingredients:
One large butternut pumpkin, peeled and cubed.
3 medium onions, chopped roughly.
Enough chicken stock to cover the pumpkin in your pot – 6-8 cups.

Pop the diced pumpkin and onion into a pot and pour over the chicken stock. Bring to the boil and then turn down to simmer for 30-40 minutes. When the onion and pumpkin are soft, blitz the whole lot with a stick blender, or pour it into a regular blender.

Serve with a splash of cream and chopped herbs. I used chives and parsley – the only herbs that survived the great earwig, slug and snail attack of ’09-’10.

Our tomatoes have been hanging in the BBQ area for a while now, slowly ripening. This morning I had enough to make another pasta sauce. I’d forgotten just how soothing peeling tomatoes is, and then squashing the warm flesh between your fingers.

It’s reducing now and I thought that while it was reducing, I’d share my tomato chutney recipe.

Photos are from today’s pasta sauce, not from the chutney. I was juggling 2 small children, I didn’t have a chance to juggle a camera as well.

Unwashed tomatoes.

Blitzed and ready to start reducing.

There is always a penis shaped tomato.

***

First, it helps if you’ve got the kitchen to yourself.

Of course, if you’re me, you don’t.

I had Isaac standing on one side the the bench, threatening to throw himself at the floor (seriously kid, you’re 14 months, not old enough for this climbing nonsense!) and Amy, standing next to me, supposedly helping.

But we all know how helping goes when your child is 3 and a half.

So, clean the kitchen. That’s always a good start.

Take your green and yellow tomatoes and chop them roughly. Add some crushed ripe tomatoes for liquid so that the bottom of your pan doesn’t burn while you’re cooking the green tomatoes.

To the tomatoes add sugar and salt, a couple of tablespoons each. Also add garlic, lots of it – I used probably 15 cloves (what? I like garlic)- and 4-5 medium onions, but if you’re using less tomatoes, use less garlic and onion.

A splash of vinegar, white balsamic would be my preference, but Amy tipped it into a cup and tried to drink it a few weeks ago – much choking and coughing ensued and she is more respectful of the vinegar now – so I used white wine vinegar.

Turn on the heat and let it simmer, stirring occasionally to prevent catching and burning. Burning will fuck up an entire pot of chutney, so you know, don’t let that happen. When the tomatoes are all soft, take your Bamix and blitz everything into a pulp. Cook for another 20 minutes or so before checking the seasoning. Add salt or sugar as you think necessary, you will probably need rather a lot of sugar to counteract the green tomatoes acidity.

Let it cook for as long as possible to improve the flavours, also to let it reduce and thicken.

Once the consistency and taste are to your liking, bottle it into warm, sterilised jars, the ones with the pop top lids. Set aside to cool and seal, checking the pop tops. If any of the jars don’t reseal, you’ll have to pop them in the fridge and eat them first. I had 4 in this batch that didn’t, obviously the jars weren’t warm enough. I gave 2 to my SIL and we ate the other 2 jars quick smart.

Ingredients:

Tomatoes (I had about 4kg)
lots of garlic
4-5 medium onions
salt and sugar to taste
a dash of vinegar

By all means, if you have herbs growing and want to use them, add them. My herbs are all going to seed at the moment, so I’ve not been using anything much. And we’re not going to talk about my basil that the dog dug out. Twice.

Chop everything roughly, making sure that there is enough ripe squashed tomatoes in the bottom of the pot to prevent burning. Add salt and sugar, a dash of vinegar, lots of garlic and the onions. Let simmer until everything is soft, then blitz to a pulp. Continue to cook for about 20 minutes before checking the seasoning and adjusting with salt or sugar as needed.

When the taste and consistency are to your liking, bottle into warm sterilised jars and set aside to cool.

Yet another cookbook to add to my extensive collection.

Say it with me now, ‘Books are not an addiction, cannot be an addiction and I maintain that I am not addicted.’

Ahem.

Equipment-

Large mixing bowl
Measuring cups and spoons
An oven tray lined with baking paper
An electric mixer

The Cast of Characters-

4 egg whites at room temperature
Pinch of salt
250g castor sugar
2 tspns cornflour
1 tspn white vinegar
A few drops of vanilla
300ml cream, whipped
Fruit. Due to seasonal changes, today I am using kiwifruit and tinned passionfruit. Berries, bananas and peaches all work really well with the recipe too.

Preheat your oven to 180C (350F). Line an oven tray with baking paper and draw a 20cm (8 inch) circle on it.

Separate the eggs by cracking them gently into your fingers and letting the white drip into a bowl. Use a separate bowl from the mixing bowl, because if the yolk breaks and gets into your whites, they won’t whip properly. Similarly, make sure all your equipment is scrupulously clean, because any oil or grease will ruin the egg whites.

Beat the egg whites and salt until satiny peaks form.

Beat in the sugar, a third at a time, until meringue is stiff and shiny.

This should be the end result.

Sprinkle over the cornflour, vinegar and vanilla and fold through very gently. Mound onto the paper covered tray within the circle.

Flatten down the top and sides with a knife, smoothing as you go.

Place in the oven and immediately reduce heat to 150C (300F).

Cook for 30 mins and then reduce heat further to 120C (250F) for 45 mins. Turn off the oven and leave Pavlova inside to cool completely.

Place cooled Pavlova onto a plate. Whip the cream until soft peaks form. Don’t add any sugar to the cream, because the Pavlova is sweet enough without it. You can add a little vanilla if you like.

Peel the kiwifruit by slicing off both ends, and then slicking down between the flesh and the skin. Slice the kiwifruit thinly.

Spread the cream over the top of the Pavlova. The great thing about Pavlova is that once the cream is on, nobody can see any mistakes you may have made.

Place the kiwifruit (or whatever fruit you are using) around the outside of the Pavlova.

Fill the inside with passionfruit pulp and a little bit more kiwifruit.

Slice and enjoy!

Equipment -

A chopping board
An oven tray
A plastic bag
Measuring spoons (not shown)

The Cast of Characters -

5 medium sized potatoes, washed, but not peeled.
1 tablespoon flour
2 teaspoons of paprika
2 teaspoons of mixed herbs
1 teaspoon of all-purpose seasoning
1 teaspoon regular salt

Preheat the oven to 200C (390F) and grease your oven tray. Place all of the ingredients, except the potatoes into the plastic bag and shake to mix.

Chop your potatoes lengthwise into wedges.

Place your wedges into the plastic bag with the seasoning.

Shake well until the potatoes are completely coated in the mix.

Place the wedges onto the greased oven tray in a single layer.

Bake for 30-40 minutes, or until the potato is crunchy on the outside and soft throughout.

Enjoy!

I LOVE White Christmas. So much.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of powdered milk
1/2 cup of dessicated coconut
1/2 cup of mixed fruit
1/2 cup of rice bubbles
1/2 cup of icing sugar
125g of copha (4oz)

Method:

Grease a square tin and line with baking paper.

Place all ingredients except copha into a bowl and stir.

Melt copha in a saucepan over a low heat. Pour into the bowl and mix thoroughly to combine.

Press into tin and place in refrigerator to set. When cool, cut into squares.

Note: I don’t know if you can get Copha or any kind of substitute outside of Australia. I did some research and got the Wiki page that explains what copha is, so hopefully if you are in the US you can work out something that will work instead.

Equipment –

Medium mixing bowl
A sharp knife and a butter knife (not shown)
Mixing spoons and cups
An oven tray, greased
A cheese grater

The Cast of Characters-

1 ½ cups of self raising flour
1 cup of grated cheese
1/3 cup butter
400ml (approx) milk
3 stalks rosemary
½ tspn salt

Preheat the oven to 220C (200C if using a fan forced oven) 430F

Place the flour and butter into a large mixing bowl together

Using only the tips of your fingers, rub the butter into the flour, until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Strip the rosemary stalks by grasping firmly at the top and running your fingers down the stalk.

Chop the rosemary finely with a sharp knife.

And add to the flour mix, along with the grated cheese.

Stir through gently and then add around half the milk.

Grab a butter knife and using a cutting motion, mix the milk into the flour. You will probably need to add a little more milk, but don’t let the mixture get sloppy. You are looking for a dough consistency.

This is about half mixed. Remember if it is too dry you can add a little more milk, or if it is too wet you can add a little more flour. DON’T OVER WORK THE DOUGH! Or your scones will end up tough.

Turn the dough out onto a floured bench and using a rolling pin (or in my case a glass bottle) roll the dough out to be about an inch thick. Mine is a little thin.

Using a cutter, cut rounds out of your scone dough. I used a well floured glass to cut mine.

Grab the scraps and ball them all together.

Roll them out and cut more rounds. Make sure you use up all your scraps!

Place the scones onto a greased tray, making sure they are touching, even if this means you don’t use the whole tray. Brush them with a little bit of milk and put them in the oven for about 15 minutes, or until golden brown on top.

Serve warm with butter.

Enjoy!